I should feel more.

When someone tells you that they like you a bunch and that they want to hang out with you and take you on dates that should relinquish some emotional reaction. Nope. I feel nothing anymore. Now I’m scared of getting close to someone. I’m afraid of getting hurt. I can’t trust the people in my life. I don’t know who is real and who is not. I have anxiety knowing that someone likes me and that I may hurt them because I can’t return those feelings. 

I think I’m meant to be alone. Nothing feels right anymore. 

I spend a lot of time alone and I love the time I spend with myself. It’s only when I’m around other people that I feel lonely.

WHY did I just read those messages? Why. Now I’m in an awful mood.

• hardly ever use cups
• eat in bed… a lot
• shaving
• hang out in bed watching netflix and eat choclate chips straight out of the bag
• fall in love on public transport
• procrastination pampering… so, not because I want to shave my legs, but because it’s far more entertaining than writing a research paper
• watch action movies all day. ex- today I watched x-men, green lantern, sucker punch, & mr. and mrs. smith…. in that order.
• get drunk and let stupid boys hit on you because it’s entertaining
• adore men via internet (interpret that however you please)
• have well over 50 tabs open in my browser

Fill this void, and emptiness
Shine Your light, on my darkness
Satisfy, and restore my soul
I long for You, make me whole

Come quench this thirsting
Lord I am ready
Here I am waiting, 
Come fill my heart
You are the only
One who can fill me
Here I am waiting, 
Come fill my heart

Come fill my life, I am incomplete
Let Your love rain down on me
I need You more, Lord I confess
More of You, and nothing less

life is constantly fucking blowing my mind.

Let your clothes soak in liquor

and your tounge lap up lies

I will not be fooled

by your weak and permeable disguise

I’ll always only be that girl some guy slept with.

I’ll never be the love of their life, or the soul mate.

I’m just another sexual experience tallied on to a list.

I miss what I had. I thought I didn’t care. I thought I moved on. I thought that maybe that one night spent laughing and being intimate with someone new was all that I needed. It’s all hitting me now and it hurts. I hate the city. I hate my unsatisfied needs. I hate that I’m never good enough.

I know that from this moment on I have changed. I’ve made a promise to myself to not be the person that I was yesterday.