someone to call me pumpkin.

I can’t take men seriously.

I can’t take relationships seriously either.

The first few encounters with men were short-lived (they’ve all been) but there used to be an immediate jolt of excitement and hope within me. Now, I distance myself completely. Partially, as a way to protect myself, but also because the same joy for men I once had does not remain.

Somehow in my mind I thought that man=savior. Wrong was I. Relationships can’t be solid if the foundation is rocky, the Earth beneath the foundation being myself and someone else. 

I’m a work in progress. I’ve done some horrible, low down, decietful things so far in my life, but I’m progressing towards a new me where I’m more self-aware and less superficial.

They way things look really don’t matter if they’re all turned up side down and jagged on the inside.

I want to lie down in the leaves and fall asleep. Make myself a nest and forget about it all. I’ll forget about school and how my classes conflict with my teaching hours. I’ll forget about that doctor’s appointment I have to reschedule. Definitely going to forget about the endless amounts of money I owe. I’d have no worry of the human variety. We’re all let downs. Some hate me, some think I’m ok, some make plans to be with me and then they forget or find something better to do. No one really wants to keep me. No one really wants me.

So I’ll just take a seat on a pile of leaves and let the fog settle around me. Fog is loving and thick, I’ll be clouded with devotion. It may leave for awhile, but it will be back in the morning.

At least I’ll have the fog.

And the leaves,

and the dirt,

and the bugs,

and my mind.

On second thought, I might just stay here with my thoughts.

I can’t leave them or drop them off. I’m trapped.

it’s seeming to be impossible to fill this void. i’m too sensitive to face this world.

I spend a lot of time alone and I love the time I spend with myself. It’s only when I’m around other people that I feel lonely.

WHY did I just read those messages? Why. Now I’m in an awful mood.

• hardly ever use cups
• eat in bed… a lot
• shaving
• hang out in bed watching netflix and eat choclate chips straight out of the bag
• fall in love on public transport
• procrastination pampering… so, not because I want to shave my legs, but because it’s far more entertaining than writing a research paper
• watch action movies all day. ex- today I watched x-men, green lantern, sucker punch, & mr. and mrs. smith…. in that order.
• get drunk and let stupid boys hit on you because it’s entertaining
• adore men via internet (interpret that however you please)
• have well over 50 tabs open in my browser

Fill this void, and emptiness
Shine Your light, on my darkness
Satisfy, and restore my soul
I long for You, make me whole

Come quench this thirsting
Lord I am ready
Here I am waiting, 
Come fill my heart
You are the only
One who can fill me
Here I am waiting, 
Come fill my heart

Come fill my life, I am incomplete
Let Your love rain down on me
I need You more, Lord I confess
More of You, and nothing less

April 24, 2012 0 notes

godblessedgospelrenewed

life is constantly fucking blowing my mind.